Doubt.

This post is a bit different than my usuals, but I feel something on my heart that I want to share. I am about to get vulnerable with you all, but I am learning more and more that sometimes the most freedom in life can come from a place of vulnerability. I also want to make the disclaimer that no matter what you believe, what religion you are, where you are from, I do not disregard you- I’d love to hear your thoughts. I additionally truly hold firmly to loving everyone, no.matter.what.

The keyboard in front of me daunts me. I have so much going on in my head that it intimidates me. I am afraid that my simple words will not do justice to the joy that consumes me. This past season of my life has been one of growth that compares to none other. Before I begin attempting to articulate in my own human capacity, I pray that the hand of the Lord guides and directs these words to speak to what He wants to say. This is my current story, my current testimony, and it has been seven years in the making, and continuing.

Let’s back up. I was raised in the church and surrounded by mostly believers. I accepted Jesus as my Lord at a young age and was living zealously for Him for most of my life.

But at a certain point there was something I was lacking- an essential element: Faith.

The first time I recall experiencing my first wave of doubt about Christianity and what I believed was my sophomore year of high school. I have a skeptical mind, and I like proof. Then proof behind the proof. I like the “whys” and the “hows” behind every single little thing. But sometimes this yearning for proof can leave little room for faith and a lot of room for doubt. This phase of doubt, however, was short-lived- I talked with people I trusted and respected about these questions and felt settled and at ease with the answers they had given me. For now, at this time, I was satisfied. I believed.

Shortly after wrestling those first doubts, my dad passed away. The first words I barely choked out when I was told of his passing were, “I just need God.” My mom handed me a Bible and I just held it. Not absorbing the words, but just holding it. Surprisingly, this moment further corroborated God’s existence to me. In that desperate of a moment, how could God be what I reached for, almost instinctively, if He wasn’t there?

I didn’t struggle with any additional doubts until I went to college, a Christian university nonetheless. This is not at all a reflection of the University itself, but of my personal circumstances. Slowly, and I can pinpoint just a couple instances, I had become so jaded toward the Church. By the Church I mean by the very people of God. I became resentful. I resented the people that were supposed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. I resented the atmosphere of a worship service. I resented basically anything that had to do with Christ. If I were to see what I am writing right now I probably would have rolled my eyes and stopped the minute I knew it dealt with Christianity. Everything and anything that once touched me as perfect and awe-inspiring began to morph into something superficial, hypocritical, and false. I am not blaming others for this- I myself stopped pursuing God. I put too much stock in my experience of religion rather than focusing on my relationship with Christ. People fail, Christ never does.

Here is the crazy part. During this time others probably perceived me as a “good Christian girl” for the most part- fitting the outward mold of “that type” to a T. I knew how to talk the talk. I told people I would pray for them, but rarely ever did. I encouraged people that “God had a plan”. I said the right things; I had been trained well. I slept walk through the motions, I did religion, and man, I did it well. That is not to sound cocky, and I am not bragging. Quite the opposite actually. I became the very facade that I so severely resented in others.

This place of resentment allowed the doubts to creep in stronger than ever. As I promised to pray for others, as I said the “right things”, as I worshipped in Church, in the back of my mind I thought, If there is a God, If He is even real, If I even truly believe this over and over again.

The Ifs consumed me, my mind, my everyday. That is a very uncomfortable place to be; it terrified me to my core.

I have heard all the arguments for Christianity- and let me tell you, they are strong. Lest we not forget at the root of any belief is an element of faith- even those who choose to believe nothing exists. My mother encouraged us to explore other religions because she was so sure of our faith. I took a class in high school looking in depth to each major world religion (and other streams of existential thought) back to Zoroastrianism. I was given historical, logical, natural, scientific data even pointing to a Creator and Jesus being Lord. This is not to mention my own personal experiences that supported the evidence. I found myself multiple times throughout life thinking, This proves it, how can anyone deny this evidence? Yet I did, in the face of the best of it.

It was not about a lack of evidence, but a lack of faith.

My heart fiercely wrestled the “ifs”. I was so engrossed in the uncertainty. These were some serious doubts as I mentioned above. I wondered if we were truly just animals with nowhere we were going, only destined to live our lives for a few years on a wasting planet. I pondered upon these doubts in my mind; only consuming a small part of my thinking at a time, but soon becoming monsters that overcame me. I realized, if none of it was true, if Jesus was not the One true God and if there is no such thing as “God”, then what the heck was I doing with my life?

I would have no identity. No hope. No purpose. No future. No promise. No life. I would have nothing. I would be nothing. And just because I desired for this to not be the case, it became a possibility before my eyes, before my soul.

I begged. I begged God on my knees for removal of that doubt. I begged the Lord to take it from me and allow me to believe with unwavering belief I used to have. I begged for days. I begged for months. I begged in utter desperation for over a year.

But then I begged less. Instead, I busied myself with my studies, with my responsibilities, my job. I prayed less. I sought out God’s Word less. I’ll deal with it another day, became my everyday. I was on the spiritual “tomorrow diet”. I was putting the most fundamental aspect of life on hold for anything fleeting. I worshipped anything but the One whom deserves our worship: my to-do list, my responsibilities, my day-to-day superficial desires, myself

Silence. Doubt.

I told hardly anyone of these doubts I was facing, but I did tell my husband. He was beyond encouraging. He responded to everything perfectly. These doubts of mine didn’t scare him or cause him to even blink- He knew that God would be faithful. But still, the questions made themselves at home in the back of my mind, and the uncertainty caused my heart to ache with a chronic pain that I had become so familiar with. At this point, after living with these doubts for nearly two years, they didn’t shock me or shake me like they used to. I had grown numb, apathetic, and lifeless in my soul. I told my husband that I was fearful of moving somewhere that I was wrongly convinced hardly anyone had a relationship with Christ. I was fearful that I would be further pulled into the depths of these doubts and completely turn away from whatever speck of faith I was haphazardly clinging to, if any at all.

The time for our move came this past summer. We packed up and began our road trip toward the place that would become our new home. Every second of that trip was filled with awesome memories that I will treasure forever, however, two specific stops stand out to me. The first was the Grand Canyon- seeing that majesty, the beauty, the awe-inspiring tapestry- it stirred something within me. Driving up Highway One and Big Sur had the same impact. I began to have that thirst again, I wanted to rejoice God in my soul for whom He is, I wanted to believe it in my soul, and not just have a longing for Him to exist; I wanted a longing for Him. The doubt was still there, but I had a rekindled urgency to face it.

The second Sunday that we were here my husband announced that we were going to Church. I agreed verbally, maybe even excitedly (reaction formation), but I put up slight protest in my heart. I didn’t want to put on a show. I didn’t want to be surrounded by hypocrisy. I didn’t want to be the hypocrite.

The first Church service we attended shook me. I remember leaving thinking how can they worship like this if it isn’t all real? God was working on me, but I had no idea the monumental changes that were about to occur.

We began attending groups within the church- Bible study groups, hiking groups, community service groups, etc. I clearly began to see the way these individuals live. It is not a superficial knowledge that drives them. It is not a duty or obligation. It is a relationship. Look, these people are in deep, undeniable relationships with Christ. They have zero judgment. They are not brain-washed. They are intelligent, wise, and beautiful individuals who know the real thing when they see it. They aren’t “Bible thumpers” with their heads in the clouds. They are some of the most authentic individuals I have ever met. They do not claim perfection, and they only boast in Christ. The seed of resentment began to disappear from my heart. From these relationships I was motivated to repair relationships from the past, and dig out the root of bitterness that had entangled me so deeply. I began to crave the fellowship of other believers. I began to desire that freedom that comes with worship. The doubt began to wither away.

Sunday after Sunday we went back to this Church. Each time, my heart was softened. Each time I opened my Bible I grew more and more enamored with Him. I began praying again, thanking God. I thanked him for his faithfulness, for his future faithfulness too; I knew that He was going to be faithful, even if the doubts were still there, He was greater than them.

During a particular worship service, I found myself overwhelmed in the best way. I felt enraptured by the Holy Spirit in a way that is nearly indescribable. This moment literally took my breath away. In the middle of worship that still, small voice in my heart that I had not heard for so long said, I’m here, I’ve got you. It was not my emotions speaking- This was undeniably the Holy Spirit.

Whatever doubt had been there was replaced. It was replaced with a fire, love, passion, desire, yearning, and an assurance of the One True Living God.

I know many would say that this was perhaps an emotional connection to the desires I had- grabbing onto the first illumination of something to believe in. But it was not that. For every second of doubt I had, it was as though a confidence now overwhelmed my soul, washing away those uncertainties. And ever since then, He has continued to confirm again and again His presence in my life. I just had to seek Him. He has always been there.

Romans 8:38-39 declares, “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord”.

Nothing can separate us when we are in Christ. Nothing. Not our doubts, not our fears, not even ourselves.

He never left me. He was with me through every single step of this painful process. He did answer my prayer, in His time, better than I could have ever pictured. I don’t know why He didn’t help resolve these doubts earlier. This is not a stance on Calvinism vs. Arminianism, but I do think He was waiting for me to seek after Him fervently, to give up the resentful, hateful seed that had been planted so deeply into my heart. And if I ever face this again throughout my walk, I know I can face it with the assurance of knowing Christ will see me through. I also will not stop in my pursuit of objective truth- I just have a confidence now that it will point back to Christ. After all, He is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6).

Moreover, I know despite my flawed human imperfection, His timing is perfect. My heart is set ablaze as I enter this new stage of life, a stage where I am more available to do whatever He calls me to than ever. I have confidence far surpassing what I had even early in my walk before the doubts set in. I have a fire and passion to share this love with others. I realize the selfish life I have been living for so long and have a desire to truly turn away from it. Everything that seemed so important of this world seems so foolish now. I have a thirst for more. I have a thirst for something real. All glory to the One True God.

From this time I have also taken away this: Doubt is okay, it’s natural. Doubt is not something to be ashamed of, in fact it can be so good. It is a season, that most, if not all, people do face. God uses all seasons to sharpen us, to mold us, and to grow us. It’s nearly a cousin of faith, but tackling our doubt deepens our faith. He doesn’t want blind followers. He wants us to pursue Him and praise Him with a confidence and assurance.

Isaiah 41: 10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my right hand.”

So to any brothers or sisters struggling through the tangles of doubt, I just want to whisper this piece of truth from my heart to yours..

He’s got you. He is real. He loves you more than you can imagine. He is with you, and He will be victorious over this season.

113 thoughts on “Doubt.

  1. We all have our doubts sometimes and this is a beautiful post, so sincere. It touches me that you have shared it with us.
    It can’t have been an easy post to write either but you have written it very well.

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    1. Oh Myra, thank you for your sweet words. I so appreciate your comments always. I am learning there is a freedom in vulnerability. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read also. I hope your week is going so well ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I truly, truly appreciate the encouragement. I am excited to check out your writings too- I take my boards in about a week. I’d love to work in the emergency room and I know that you probably have a great deal of wisdom and insight in that area. Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read this!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sweet sister in Christ, this is a beautiful, raw, and well-written account of what so many of us struggle with! I am so glad you were open enough to share this. May the Lord use it to encourage others who are walking in doubt or to stir up His Spirit in others who are feeling that spiritual deadness. I have been there, too, and my God brought me through the darkness of doubt and into His glorious light. There was a time when I was going through the motions, too, and the verse that really got to me at the time was what Peter said when Jesus asked the twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Peter replied, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life!” (Paraphrasing John 6:67-68).

    Thank you for sharing, and may the Lord pour the joy of your salvation into your life until it overflows! Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you, thank you for your sweet comment, Heather. Your response encouraged more than I can say. Even though I felt led to post this I was truly afraid that it would be confusing, or not make sense to others, or not resonate with anyone. I had a moment of temptation to delete it immediately after I pressed submit. But this response and others as well has affirmed that this truly was something that I was meant to share. I don’t know what impact it will have for anyone else’s walk, but God knows, and I trust that He will use it. It also has allowed me to realize that this season of doubt is not an uncommon place- if I had allowed myself to just be vulnerable a bit sooner with others it probably could have led to some amazing conversations and insight. Thank you for taking the time to read, your incredible words, and sharing that sweet scripture from John! I have never read those words carefully, and that story is beautiful and full of truth. Thank YOU for sharing. ❤

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  3. Doubt is normal, and even a healthy thing, I think. It just proves you don’t beleive blindly, but in total awareness. Wondering and questionning is just human. I personally fear people who have thoughtless faith, no matter the religion…

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read, Cyranny! Also- thank you so much for that encouragement. I thought I was alone in these questions for so long, but I am realizing more and more how truly normal and good doubt can be. If I face another season of doubt again, I won’t let it take such hold on me but rather realizing that it is part of the growth. Thank you for your thoughtful comment and I hope you are having a beautiful week!

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      1. Doubt can be a hard process to get through… some people’s faith break, but others end up with an even stronger belief. I truly hope your moments of doubt just helped you get a clearer idea on your relationship with the Big Boss 😉

        Faith is such a personal thing, thank you for sharing your moments of wondering… Very delicate and intimate thoughts.

        Big hugs 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This comment truly made me smile! Faith is personal, and I was so afraid to post this for so many reasons but just felt that I truly needed to. The response has been more encouraging than I could have imagined, and I appreciate you taking the time to open this dialogue with me too! I send hugs right back to you, Cyranny! So thankful for ya

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      3. I’m always happy to put a smile on a true Lovely face like yours 🙂

        To me, faith is the most personal thing. I don’t talk about it, not because I am ashamed, but because it is so intimate.

        I think it is easy to express a strong faith… But it takes a lot of courage to admit to having doubts! It can be seen as a lack of faith, but I don’t see it that way…

        I am sure your “coming out” will enlighten others that feel just the same, and help them.

        And that is one of the great things about blogging 🙂

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      4. Thank you, Cyranny! I totally understand that too- for many it is a deeply personal walk. And with this, that is all I can hope is that maybe it will truly encourage someone else who might be going through the same thing. I have grown to love blogging more than I have ever thought and not just because of the ability to articulate my thoughts in a way I haven’t before but because of this spectacular community! ❤

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      5. I totally agree Mack! When I joined the bloggosphere just a little less than a year ago, I thought it would only be a new way to express myself… But I am surprised to see how the interraction with other bloggers gave me a lot more.

        It is uplifting to connect with positive, inspiring people, even if they are across the globe.

        And you sure are one of those people who put some sunshine in my everyday life by sharing a little bit of yours 😉

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      6. Awwww thank you, Cyranny! Same to you, truly!!! Also- I could not have articulated that better myself. It is an incredibly uplifting community, and also so insightful. I feel like I am learning constantly. I hope you had the most wonderful day!

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  4. Beautiful, inspiring post! You have a gift – this is the first post of yours that I have read, but HE shines through! Never doubt His purpose, it is very clear here how He intends to use your gift to reach others!

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    1. Thank you, Tammi. You have no idea how much your words touch me. I felt so led to write this, but when I pressed “submit” for this post I immediately began to question if I should have posted it.. I was afraid that it wouldn’t make sense, or that it “silly” or nothing actually inspired, but you have helped assure me that this is truly something that will resonate with others and have an impact because it was not me but Him that ultimately wrote this journey. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. Blessings to you ❤

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    1. Thank you John for the encouragement and sharing as well. I had no idea if what I was writing would resonate with anyone, or even really make sense, but I truly felt led to share. I am so thankful that others can relate and I am blown away by the sweet words and this community! Thank you immensely.

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    1. Aww thank you for reading, Rhiannon! I am learning more and more I was not at all alone in this experience. You said this so simply, with so much truth- it always does lead us closer to Him! Thanks for sharing too ❤

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  5. I appreciate you opening up about a difficult time in your moment. I believe as Christians we all go through this, I know I have. I love that God in his own timing has a way of showing us that he is still with us that he is there every step of the day we only need to trust in him.

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    1. Thank you for your sweet comment. I did not expect this awesome of a response, but it has encouraged me greatly in realizing that it really is not uncommon. It’s all about trusting Him in the moments that the questions sneak in on us. Blessings ❤

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  6. Mack, i feel like I can totally relate. I grew up in a Christian home and went to a Christian school, as well. It is so easy to be jaded by people, and I let myself get wrapped up in that too long. I try to focus on who God truly is and realized that we are all so deeply flawed, but God loves us unconditionally- doubts and all. Thank you for your vulnerability!

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    1. YESSSS! You said this so well- we are so deeply flawed, and for so long I let my faith be defined by the feelings and emotions that surrounded circumstances, people, and situations, rather than turning my eyes to who Christ is. There has been so much learning done through this stage, and your comment helped spark even additional contemplation on that specific aspect. Thank you for taking the time to read and sharing as well. Sending hugs!

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  7. Love love love this post. Thanks for sharing this! As a Christian girl myself, I’ve been going through some doubts and had a lack of faith. But amen, God is faithful and we just have to keep trusting Him! Praying for you and hope you have a blessed rest of the week!

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    1. Aww thank you for the comment, Jesci! I know you are busy on all your travels. I hope that this offered some encouragement to you as you walk through those times of question. He is SO faithful and thank you again for sharing this with me, and your prayers! I will be praying for you as well. Have a blessed rest of your week too, sweet girl! ❤

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  8. Excellent… Blessed by your life and how you have grown. Father, God… May the words that you have given Mackenzie speak far beyond this blog… I have had to admit this in my own life. So many need to admit this in their lives. These are the steps necessary for those who truly love God…

    So thankful for you, sweet lady!!!!

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    1. Thank you so much for reading Pastor Carolyn. You have no idea how much your words of encouragement mean… Especially since you are one of my strong role models, this helps confirm to me that this really was something meant to be shared. I am so thankful for you too, miss you, and love you ! I send hugs your way ❤

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  9. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 1 Peter 4:10
    You are serving with your gift of open, honest writing about your struggle with faith. Thank you for sharing Mackenzie!

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  10. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. 1 Peter 4:10
    You are serving with your gift of open, honest writing about your journey of faith. Thank you for sharing Mackenzie!

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  11. Oh my… I honestly, truly needed this today. I have been struggling so so much with my faith and believing lately and it’s been eating me up inside. You have such a way with words and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for helping me start to open my heart back up to Him ❤

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    1. Oh sweet Anna, thank you for sharing that with me. Your comment brings tears to mine!! When I wrote this I was tempted to delete it because I felt like I was truly not competent enough to communicate this truth… But I just felt so strongly I needed to share this journey, and maybe God knew it was just what you, specifically, needed to hear. I know that He will do the same thing for you.. and I am excited to see how it unfolds in your life. Sending hugs sweet girl, and I will be praying for you ❤

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  12. Mackenzie, I too, had moments in my life that I doubted and really didn’t care. This happened first when I when away to college. I stopped going to church pretty much all together until I met and fell in love with your great aunt Joy. I figured that if I wanted to be with this girl, I better shape up! She went to church and I started going again to find that life is hard enough without God in it. With God, my life changed greatly. Most everything changed for the better and I became a better man for that. Thank you for your inspiring story!
    Your Uncle Jim

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    1. Oh my goodness Uncle Jim, thank you for sharing that with me! I had no idea about any of that story of you two. Thank you for reading and leaving this comment! So good to hear from you. Sending my love!

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  13. Your honesty in this post is truly beautiful. Just reading this gave me the chills knowing that God is always with each one of us. I believe it is natural for each of us to doubt at different times in our life. I grew up in the church but it was not until later in my life did I really develop a deep relationship with Christ. When I feel myself doubting or struggling to trust God, I try to remember the times that He came through for me and showed his faithfulness. Thank you so much for sharing. You truly have a gift for writing and reaching the hearts of your readers.

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    1. Rebeckah, thank you so very much for taking the time to read and leave such a thoughtful response. Your words are immensely encouraging and full of so much truth. I certainly need to keep in mind His past faithfulness in my life and others in the future. Thank you for sharing in this with me and sharing a part of your journey as well . ❤

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  14. You are so wise to search for the truth, pray and consider scripture. In various ways, I dare say we have all struggled with doubt. You have been God’s voice to encourage us to keep on “keeping on” God bless you!

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  15. Sounds like your human to me. I believe that your experience may encourage and inspire others, thanks for sharing. You may be surprised (or not) by the number of people who are suffering in the same way. You make an excellent point, “I finally realize His faithfulness is not contingent on my faith.” Many people still carry the burden, “I just don’t have enough faith.” I am going to share a link to a relevant blog post that I have written. Read it, don’t read it, no pressure, I am happy for you.
    Praise Jesus for His love and grace, and praise Him for freedom!
    https://handfulsofseed.wordpress.com/2016/04/21/why-transparency-remove-the-mask/

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    1. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. I cannot wait to read this. I absolutely will right now. Like I have told a few others, I’m honestly surprised at the number of people who have dealt with this in the way I have. I always looked at others envying their faith, but I am realizing that often it is easy to put on a show. I did it for too long. Thank you for stopping by and sharing this.

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  16. First of all, you are simply amazing. So many people have felt the way you have over the years regarding their faith. But the difference is, you were brave enough to share your feelings with the world. I could relate to so much of your post… I was raised in a Christian home going to religious schools and over the years, my faith has been tested to the highest levels. I am like you am I want those answers to the whys and hows. I can only imagine those feelings would grow so strong after losing a parent. My heart aches for you. I think it is perfectly ok to question, but you are right… without faith we may never have our answers. Life is a journey and God won’t give you anything you can’t handle, but faith is what holds us together in those times of doubt. Such a great post, thanks for sharing!

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    1. Thank you for your response, Taylor. I am shocked by the number that say that they have felt the same way- maybe if we aren’t so “hush hush” about these thoughts, we all can move together toward an even stronger confidence in Christ. It is also something that would have been less painful if I hadn’t gone it alone- lessons learned! Sometimes just opening up can be the first step to something really great, we never know what others are dealing with too. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond soo thoughtfully. It has given me even more to think about! I also greatly appreciate your empathy. ❤

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  17. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! This post is beyond heartfelt. I’m so inspired by your courage in revealing this tender place in your heart. If you haven’t already, I’d urge you to read about Mother Teresa and the letters that came out after her death, revealing that for many years she struggled with painful feelings of doubt in God. It was a long dark night of the soul for her. Thank you for sharing this ❤️

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    1. Jenna, thank you for reading and thank you for the suggestion! I had no idea about those writings- I will certainly have to check them out. Thank you for your sweet words and kind response ❤

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  18. God, Mack this is beautiful. I honor and acknowledge you for your vulnerability, for your courage to share with us.
    You really reminded me that Spirit is always with us, no matter what. It just is truth and love enfolds each of us. God, I receive.
    Much loving your way. Have a fantastic weekend! Blessings, Debbie ❤

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    1. Debbie, thank you thank you for taking the time to read. It’s so good to see you here, and I cannot wait to see what has been going on in your life too. You always speak about the power of forgiving others (and ourselves) I was blind to my need to do that. Thank you for your encouragement. Blessings to you too.<3

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  19. What I believe is this honesty with which you have expressed your thoughts on this. Although I have some reservations about using the word ‘vulnerable’, let me explain, when one is on a path of introspection and looks through the layers of life to touch the core of life to clarify the doubts is being ‘courageous’. You have realized the importance of clearing the haze and moved forward into the unknown to seek answers. This is the path which will help you realize the truth. I believe that we are the manifestations of faith and each one of us is responsible for contributing to this beautiful experience called life.

    Blessings to you and always thank you for the wonderful conversations.

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    1. Amitav, I immensely appreciate you taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. I hear clearly what you are saying behind the line of courage and vulnerability. Perhaps the courage and vulnerability are intertwined, in a paradoxical fashion- my vulnerability comes when I let go of a piece of myself, surrender a bit of pride, and let the world see some parts that otherwise I would selfishly prefer hidden. However, ultimately that takes courage. Thank you for recognizing that- vulnerability may contain a mistakenly weak connotation often in some sense, but courage in that vulnerability turns it into something strong. So thank you for that thought. And although our conclusions may differ on where seeking truth are leading us, I know we profoundly agree that pursuing, discovering, and never stopping in pursuit of ultimate understanding is of utmost importance. I have found this truth is truly in the person of Jesus Christ. I love that despite our, for lack of a better word, divergence about this ultimate existence, that we can still have these conversations and spur on additional discussion. Blessings to you always!

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      1. That’s an awesome reply. I know we can have these conversations, and I thank you for that. I agree with you, we may be on a divergent path, but seekers we all are. Yes you are right, vulnerability may have a ‘weak’ connotation but only when we are ready to surrender to the Spiritual quest we will find the answers. There aren’t any conclusions in this eternal life; every day a new learning which will lead us to the Truth. Destinations are brief stopovers and then we continue with the journey.

        Blessings to you.

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  20. Hi Mack, I had a cup of tea whilst reading your post just now. That was very deep and you wrote from the heart. I’m glad you had your husband who was supportive through the whole inner battle you had. I was brought up a Christian, originally from Jamaica, however I’m not any more (no religion) but I think faith is such an important part of a lot of people’s lives and I can see how it definitely helps people to live in a world like the one we are in now! Definitely an interesting read, even for me with no religion x x

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    1. Oh my goodness, Alicia. Thank you for your incredibly thoughtful and kind words. I am thankful that it provoked thought, even if it isn’t necessarily exactly in line with what you believe. I appreciate so greatly you taking the time to share your thoughts and I look forward to more conversations ❤ Have a wonderful rest of your week, and stay cozy with more tea 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Thanks for being so honest. I’m struggling too with the faith kind of thing. For now, I’m just doing my own thing and waiting for God to give me some sort of sign that he’s still here. I look forward to reading future posts from you! I’m new to your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Linda, thank you for reading and taking the time to respond. I so relate to your words. They are fresh, and I would have said the exact same thing only months ago… I truly believe that He will make Himself known. It is the most incredible moment when it happens too… Also, thank you for stopping by ❤ I have actually read quite a few of your posts, and you are one inspirational chica. Have a wonderful rest of your week, and I look forward to more conversations 🙂

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  22. This post really comes at an opportune time for me as I literally just wrote a post about how much I struggle with faith in Jesus, specifically, and I feel a bit lost because of it. I recognize myself and my faith journey in your words. I’m not sure that I will come out the other side with the faith you talk about here, but it feels good to know I am not alone in grappling with these feelings. Thank you for writing this!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Rachel, thank you for opening up. My heart aches for you, because all of this is so fresh for me. It’s hard. It’s not easy being in a place of uncertainty. I KNOW God will meet you in His good time. I also know that sounds like corny religious talk, but it is so true. I was the biggest skeptic of them all…I didn’t want to write this honestly, this amount of wearing my heart on my sleeve and admitting to being someone I’m not, but I felt sooooo compelled. So much that it woke me up at 4:30 in the morning and I couldn’t fall asleep until it was done. Maybe this was written for you? Either way- thank you for sharing your thoughts and I will genuinely be praying for you. I will check out that post you made too. ❤

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  23. Thank you for your vulnerability & for taking the chance to share what is in your heart! You could have been telling my story, right up to college.

    My return to faith ( and I hear you about “the lack of faith, not evidence”) was also strongly in part to my husband. I figured if he believed so strongly & unreservedly, then I could suspend my own hangups. And as you’ve shared, because He never leaves us, all I needed was to let my walls down, and He was right there.

    Hugs to you & again, thank you for your testimony which blesses!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your sweet comment, Ju-Lyn Tan. It is so encouraging to know that I was not alone in that walk. It’s amazing the impact that other believers can have on others’ walks- it makes me rethink the way I live out my faith. I want to make sure that I live a life now that people can say- “Wow- if she believes that confidently it must be true”. And you are so right too about letting our walls down. If we just let that facade down, so many others are probably going through the same thing and it also allows God to work. He is so faithful. Thank you for sharing yourself- I truly appreciate it greatly. Hugs and blessings to you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  24. That was so beautiful! I have been talking with so many online atheists. I started reading your post and I was drawn to finish it. I had to find out what happened in your heart! I was so glad to hear the end. That is one of the most powerful testimonies I have ever heard, and I am going to share this. It’s sincere. After talking with so many hard hearted people who after all my teaching they did not turn toward the Lord, I started wondering, “why not?” “Why don’t they turn to the Lord when His word has promised not to come back void?” It sounds to me that they just have to come to a place where they are open to hear that still small voice of God, the tug of the Holy Spirit. In your case, you were already a Christian, but I believe that the same thing happens with nonbelievers, that God makes Himself real to them so they can believe on Him. We’re dead spiritually until the Holy Spirit quickens us so we can even see our spiritual state.

    Thanks so much for this article, and God bless you as you continue to encourage others in the Lord! And thank you, by the way, for following my posts!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dawn, your comment means the world to me. It truly helps me realize how important it is to share our testimony with others because we don’t know the impact the Lord can have through us. I pray that this can mean something to one of your readers as well. All Glory to Him, always. Thank you for sharing this and for your sweet encouragement ❤

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  25. Reblogged this on DawnFossBlog and commented:
    This is a wonderful testimony for anyone who is struggling with inner doubts or lack of faith. God never moves; it’s us who move away from Him. But if we draw near to Him, He has promised He will draw near to us.

    Liked by 2 people

  26. Oh my goodness, Mack…this is such a beautiful and precious story. Thank you for being so vulnerable to share it with us! It is so encouraging to read the stories of other believers — of how God has worked in their lives and how He is working in their hearts to make them vessels for His glory.
    I am so excited for you to be experiencing that passion and fire for Christ, sister!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lauren, your encouragement means the absolute world. Thank you, thank you for taking the time to read and your sweet words. ❤ I hope you are having a blessed and beautiful week! Thankful to know you ❤

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  27. Thank you for sharing your journey through doubt. The ‘happy ending’ was inevitable after such a long struggle. It was your persistence which was rewarded. God truly blesses those who turn to Him. Stay blessed ☺

    Liked by 1 person

  28. WOW! Thank you. I’m so glad you were able to express this so well. Praise God the Spirit came at Pentecost and we have a ‘personal’ God. I’m delighted to have ‘connected with you”. Keep writing. I’ll keep following .

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes Faye, Praise Jesus!!!!! It’s amazing what God has been doing since this moment and since I even wrote this post. I have never been so enamored with Him. Thank you for stopping by. I so appreciate the sweet words. ❤️

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  29. I came back to reread this blog after seeing so many comments flowing. Yes indeed! O God how we need the Holy Spirit to move and revive and bring to faith the lonely, lost and disillusioned in our world. Thank you again for this post.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Dear Kenz, I am replying to your last posting First—You are so darling while decoration the Xmas tree. It
        looks so special and very beautiful when all decorated. Nice job!! The pictures of you and Dj in the woods
        cutting down the tree, I thinki! You guys always look like you are having such a good time.If you keep doing that
        you will always have fun and love each other. Glad you had fun over the weekend of Thanksgiving and sounds
        like to sure had a lot of food and good eating too. I loved the donuts. They looked sooooo good, one of my favorites
        We were sad when you spoke about your Dad and that you had some problems and concerns about his faith in
        God.Lots of people don’t go to church that still believe in God. It is hard to believe because we feel better when we go
        to church and when we don’t we feel empty so I guess we do need church to be with people that we know feel like we do. It’s warm and cozy and always welcoming us..You leave all your worries behind .I’m so glad that Andrea talked to your Dad on the phone and could relate his feelings. Yes he was a very kind and gentle man. I’m sure he is with you
        More than you know,Honey, You and Dj have a wonderful life together and God has been there for you both all the way. Just remember he is there and you and Dj just love each other.Kenz, I have a saying over my sink and you would never notice but it says it all “Good Morning! This is GOD…..I will be handling your problems today. I do not need your help sooo have a good day!!! Just follow him cause he is there for all of us and you will be fine.
        Love you both so much and missed you Thanksgiving but you are always in our HEARTS. God bless you both
        Gramma and Grampa

        Liked by 1 person

  30. It is very natural and very common for people to have some degree of difficulty with the matter of faith. Especially with those who wish for some concrete evidence of the existence of God. I too have wrestled with some faith issues until I realized that there is no absolute proof that God does not exist. Remember, the alternative explanations of how we got here are called “theories” for lack of concrete evidence that THEY are true!

    Faith comes by hearing the word of God and taking it into one’s heart as truth…without proof. We take the next step even when when we cannot see the entire staircase. Why? Because we “know” it is there. God has promised He will be with us and never forsake us…(Hebrews 13:5). Faith is made complete when we transform our thinking and commit to the fact that we are willing to accept belief as our creed. We can believe in worldly things, and we will continue to have doubts and look for answers. Or we can accept the believer’s way of life and trust in the promises of God…for they are our answers…

    Steve

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow this is all soo soo good and full of wisdom. You are so spot on- everything, even these other theories are grounded essentially in a type of “faith”. And the Bible if we do truly believe the Bible to be truth, then His word will prevail. Thank you for the reminder and conversation. I so appreciate you sharing your thoughts- you definitely have given me even more to think about. I also appreciate your empathy. It’s good to know that even those that I see secure in their faith have gone through similar seasons.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are so welcome…you have made my day with your beautiful reply! Just remember this…there are no dead atheists, for they have already met God!

        “Keep the faith” for it will be the most important thing you do in this life!

        Steve 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  31. I loved this. I just published a blog on doubt. I then searched doubt to see what others were exeriencing. And while my two years of doubt were not exactly what yours were this really resonated with me. It was very honest and you were right vulnerable. I am not sure yet if I can get that vulnerable out of fear of hurting others if I share my thoughts on my doubts with my previous church. But this is inpsiring to push my vulnerabilyt in my posts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww, I’m so very glad you stumbled across this! Thank you for your kind words, and sharing your story a little with me as well. Doubt is thrown around casually, but it can really be one of the hardest things to grapple with. And from the vulnerability standpoint- it will happen naturally! I never planned on sharing this and it just happened one morning when I started typing and felt led by the Spirit to share. I will definitely check out your post soon. Prayers for you friend, God overcomes ALL!

      Liked by 1 person

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